Finding Our Inner Anchor: Steps to Regain an Internal Locus of Control

Have you ever felt like life is just happening to you, as if you’re constantly reacting rather than choosing actions? At the heart of this experience is a concept called the Locus of Control, the degree to which we believe we have control over the outcomes in our life. When it’s external drivers that dominate, we feel like circumstances and/or people dictate our path. When it’s internal, we believe that dedicated actions shape our life.

So, how do we shift back to an internal locus of control and start feeling more empowered? Here are a few practical steps to help you reclaim that sense of agency:

  1. Pause and reflect: Notice instances or focus areas where you feel stuck or powerless in your life. Awareness is always the first step.
  2. Change your language: Replace “I have to” with “I choose to.” This subtle shift reminds you that you have a conscious choice, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
  3. Set small, manageable goals: Focusing on what you can control in the short-term builds momentum and confidence, regardless of the magnitude of each goal.  
  4. Focus on next steps instead of blame: Ask yourself, “What can I do next?” rather than dwelling on what went wrong. Forward momentum is key.
  5. Surround yourself with supportive people: Gravitate towards individuals that lift you up and encourage you to take ownership of your life.

You don’t need to control every detail — you just need to focus on what’s within your reach today. From there, you’ll start to feel more empowered and grounded, on a clear path to accept the life you have create the life you want.

Your habits are only as strong as the environment that supports them. Stop fighting against your surroundings and start re-arranging or designing them to work better for you. What's one small environmental shift you could make today that would make your desired habit feel inevitable rather than impossible?

A Lesson from 30,000 Feet

Last week, I found myself trapped in sensory chaos while flying. Screens everywhere - seatback entertainment, overhead videos blaring, passenger devices glowing, a broad collection of adult conversations, and periodic trumpet solos from small children. All these stimuli created a visual assault that left me overwhelmed. The moment I slipped on my eye mask and inserted my ear plugs, everything changed. Without the visual and auditory chaos, I could finally breathe deeply and find my center again.

This simple act reminded me of one of the most powerful principles in habit formation: environmental design. Just as I needed to eliminate visual and auditory distractions to find peace on that flight, our success in building healthier habits often depends less on willpower and more on thoughtfully crafting our surroundings. As an example, when we can't focus during deep work, should we redesign our workspace to bring in natural light, air, and more comfortable furniture?

The Voice That Sabotages Our Success: Taming Our Inner Critic

I used to wonder why my mind consistently looped back to repetitive, negative thoughts, such as "am I really ready for this?" or "what if I don't know the right answer?" When I started engaging with many diverse coachees, I discovered something liberating, … we all have this core, negative voice. 

All I work with - executives, entrepreneurs, creatives - battle their inner critic daily. The most successful people aren't those who never experience self-doubt - they're the ones who've learned to recognize their inner critic and refuse to let it create fear or drive their decisions.

Your inner critic isn't your enemy; it's a misguided protector trying to keep you safe from failure and rejection. When I catch myself spiraling into self-criticism, I pause and ask: "Would I speak to my best friend this way?" This simple question has become my anchor. I advise you to start treating yourself with the same compassion you'd offer someone you deeply care about.

What if you could transform that inner critic into your most trusted inner coach? What could you accomplish if that critical voice had no undue power over you? 

That's where your real life begins.

What assumptions are you making about yourself today that might not even be true?

The world is vast, complex, and beautifully indifferent to our inner monologue.

And that's exactly the freedom you've been looking for.

The Universe Isn't Revolving Around You    (And That's Actually Good News)

I caught myself doing it again yesterday - wondering if everyone noticed I stumbled over this concept on slide 4. My mind is constantly making me the star of a drama that likely existed nowhere but in my head.

Here's the thing: our brains generate around 60,000 thoughts per day, and a staggering number of them are about us. We naturally place ourselves at the center of our own universe, interpreting everything through the lens of "what does this mean for me?" That delayed email response? They must be upset with me. We're constantly making assumptions, filling in gaps with stories that usually cast us as either the victim or the villain.

But here's the liberating truth I share with my coachees: most of the time, it's not about us. That person who seemed short with you? They might be dealing with a sick parent. The friend who didn't respond to your text? They could be swamped with deadlines. The antidote to self-reference is curiosity over assumption. Instead of asking "what did I do wrong?" try "I wonder what's going on for them?"

Here's a helpful video about the self-reference concept if you're curious to learn more and want guidance on quieting that inner voice.

 

How to Build Lasting Confidence

We tend to believe confidence is something you either had or didn't - a fixed trait that lucky people were born with while the rest of us fumble through life second-guessing every decision (see my earlier blog post on The Voice That Sabotages Our Success).

As an executive coach, this is one of the most common challenges my clients bring to our sessions. Here is what I share with my clients: confidence isn't a personality trait, it's a skill that emerges from a willingness to overcome the discomfort.

Every confident person I've encountered - from CEOs to artists to entrepreneurs - shares one common thread: they've learned that fear is simply the price of admission to growth. They understand that the vicious cycle of negative story-telling and paralyzed action can only be broken one way: by feeling the fear and acting anyway!

Your lack of confidence isn't a character flaw; it's your brain trying to keep you safe by avoiding potential failure or rejection.

When I catch myself trapped in fear-chatter, I pause and remind myself that successful people didn't fail less, they just refused to let failure be the final word.

What could you create if fear became your compass pointing toward your next level of growth?

If you're ready to develop these confidence-building techniques and break free from the patterns that keep you stuck, I'd love to explore how we can work together in a coaching session.

That's where your most authentic, powerful self emerges.

Here's a helpful video about the skill of self-confidence if you're curious to learn more. 

Stay tuned for more thoughts from behind the coaching curtain!